Thursday, January 1, 2015

Fear and Anxiety… and baby #3

Today is one of the first mornings I have sat and nursed my baby and not felt crippled with fear and anxiety. Maybe it’s because it’s a New Year and all things new give me a rush of joy and excitement… Maybe my baby anxiety is finally lifting… either way, I want to soak it up and breathe this moment in deep.

Because look at that sweet face!

This whole third baby thing has been harder then I had ever imagined. It’s been beautiful and joyful and full of grace… but very vey hard.

On our second day home I remember lying on the couch with all three of my kiddos being oh so tired but feeling a rush of joy and thankfulness that this was my life. How precious to be holding a new life, a gift, surrounded by two other precious gifts that loved me and call me Mama.

When Ruby was six days old I woke up feeling incredibly terrible. Bad headache, I was flush and slightly out of it. I tried to fight it during the day but by the afternoon I knew something was wrong. Drew took me to the clinic and they quickly sent us to the ER with blood pressure in the danger zone. I just remember the on call doctor telling me I might have postpartum pre-acclampsia (how do you even spell that and who knew that was even a thing) I was terrified. I fought back tears as my husband quickly drove us to the ER. I wasn’t happy to be back at the Hospital that I had just left!

They ran lots of tests and watched my BP for a few hours as it slowly came down to a non dangerous range. They sent me home really unsure what was happening.


The next four weeks were brutal as my blood pressure stayed high and spiked like this almost daily. When it would spike I would get a headache, shake like crazy, feel horrible, I was flush all over and I felt absolutely out of control and wrecked with fear.  I went to the doctor often and ran every test known to man but no answers came back except for “this happens sometimes after baby… it should go away by the time she is 6 weeks old.”


I didn’t love this answer and I didn’t like feeling out of control or needy. Because I was oh so needy and this was oh so out of my control.

Drew left the country in the middle of this and my house got hit with the stomach bug. Seems like little things but when you’re already struggling with one thing this absolutely did me in.

I knew in this struggle that the Lord had a lesson for me… and I knew so clearly what it was. To recognize my need for Him and to recognize that my life is His.  In my fear and anxiety I had to make peace with the Lord.  I had to face some fears that I didn’t know I had and I had to recognize some serious struggles and sin in my life. Pride being my biggest.

In the middle of this I clung to the Lord. I clung to His word. I clung to his goodness and just knowing that besides my small struggle here on earth that God was still good and He was still in control… and He loved and cared for me.

It has been a sweet time of growing in my trust in Him and recognizing my daily need for Him. More then daily, like every single minute of every single day.

My blood pressure finally resolved itself but it left me with an anxiety and fear that I have never known before. Recognizing that I need Christ more then I ever knew.

And I am thankful for that.

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